You know the phrase, “It’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons”? I find it tends to be used mostly when talking about romantic relationships but I use it as a blanket statement to apply to all my relationships including friends. The more emotionally sound I become and the more perspective I gain on peoples behavior, the longer my list of demands becomes. The flip side to this is that I’ve learned to give people more grace and I don’t take as much too personally anymore. But there are certain behaviors that I don’t want to be around or tolerate and the more boundaries I lay down, the smaller the friendship pool has become.
As a self-described introvert, I am content with having a smaller group of friends with closer connections but sometimes I have a hard time shaking the feeling of being an outsider even if it’s from my own doing. Being a social risk-taker, with my “quirky” sense of humor and being fairly opinionated, I have had to accept that will appeal to a smaller audience, especially with other women. And this makes “the midwestern woman who deep inside is a recovering people-pleaser and wants people to like her as much as I hate to admit it” part of me go crazy. The more middle-of-the road your personality, the broader the appeal. But I don’t want that and I refuse to sterilize my personality beyond recognition around other people. Yes, I know how to reel it in a bit and when to let it all out. but I will always continue to be me. I have the “either you love me or you don’t” kind of vibe going and the friends I do have get me and vice versa since that is what attracts me to others. But even with this approach, I still continue to work on polishing up my edges while fully embracing the core of who I am.
Nowadays, when I spend time with people I check in with how I feel afterward. Simply put, I want to spend my time with people who make me feel good after being in their company. It’s helped me identify what qualities I value in a friendship and which ones I want nothing to do with. Unfortunately, I find the longer we’ve known people, the more slack we tend to give and the higher the threshold for bad behavior that we’ll tolerate. And it’s understandable why it’s harder to let these particular bonds dissolve. But keeping a relationship out of sheer force of habit isn’t reason enough to stay in it. It’s ok for us to out-grow friendships and to let some of them go. There is no signed contract that will be breached if we walk away from a relationship that isn’t working for us anymore. Now that doesn’t mean that I specialize in the art of ghosting and that I run away easily. All it means is if I don’t feel an authentic connection then I need to better conserve my time.
Building a friendship takes time, especially if you’re looking to make stronger connections. And as I demand more of others in a friendship, it has made me up my own friend game. I want to be the friend to others that I’m seeking to find. And even though my prerequisites have grown, I’ve learned to cast my net wider to include people that have different views than myself. I think this is one of the cures to the “us vs. them” world we live in or at least can start in one small way of bridging the gap between all of us. Having everything in common is not the goalpost for me anymore. It’s having someone accept you exactly the way you are even though they may not see everything the same way and they keep showing up.
In the end, most of us want at least 1 other person on this planet that we can truly be ourselves with. Finding that crew, no matter how small can help you feel seen. As I wrote this, I couldn’t help but think of one of my son’s books titled, “I Like Myself”. And there’s a line in it, “I like myself, I’m glad I’m me, there’s no one else I’d rather be.” I like me. I like me a lot. And if you don’t, that’s ok too. So next time you’re in that uncomfortable social situation, where you don’t know anyone and you’re running out of bland conversation topics, take the damn risk. Make the inappropriate joke or share a real part of yourself. Rather than being the crowd-pleaser, you just might meet that one other person that could be your new ride-or-dier. Who knows? It could be me.
